Rejected Again

Rejected Again

My mother is dying. She has been dying for as long as I remember, but now; she is really dying. A dying malignant narcissist sociopath is said to be one of the most dangerous kinds of people that exist. To that I reply, “Then you never met my mother.”

Dying narcissistic sociopaths go on a rampage when they are dying. They are envious of your talents, your health, your age, your everything; and they want to take it from you. It belongs to them and you can’t have it because they deserve. How dare you rob them of the very things they desire. They will take your life given a half-second of opportunity. My mother again, came close to succeeding.

A few weeks ago I ended up in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital suffering from emotional exhaustion. I just couldn’t stop crying. The badgering from my MNPD mother tossed me to and fro and around and around. Spinning head? That hardly begins to describe what was going on in my head. The force of an F5 tornado may be close. I spent 7 days there with my mom throwing fits and demanding to talk to my doctors, my nurses and anyone with which she could play the concerned and worried victim mother.

I get out of the hospital to go into the storm and spend 3 days with my mom. I prepared myself. I was armed with God. The last day of my stay we went to the Cancer clinic together. My MNPD mother was in so much pain having the bone biopsy done. She had to lay flat on her back on an ice pack for 40 minutes to allow the puncture in her spine to close up. She was tossing around unable to stay still. I climbed on the stretcher and place my one leg over hers and cradled her head in my arms and stroked her hair to help her with her pain. We both fell asleep. Being with my mom IS exhausting. The nurse came and woke us up 40 minutes later. She said it was the sweetest thing she saw and that we must love each other very much. My mom said, “Well, she IS my daughter, of course I love her. With all my heart.” I, in the meantime am thinking “if you only knew”.

That moment. That 40 minutes is one on the most precious 40 minutes I spent with my mother in my 60.5 years of life. That cannot be deleted from my mind. I will treasure that until I greet my maker. Forty minutes that I would not give up for anything.

The next day she in the hospital with a heart attack, pneumonia, and a urinary tract infection. The following day I go to see her with a photo she wanted, and a rosary from my sister. She refused to see me. No reason. Just no. Then the nurse said she didn’t want my gifts. That I could take them home. Not wanted. Me, or gifts. Rejected. Crushed. Like a bug. Nothing.

My mom used to tell me to go kill myself. Then she said if I didn’t that she would. I learned to want to die without her saying the words. I wanted to die. Again. All over again. And again. Insanity.

For some reason my MNPD mother wishes me dead. If I take my own life then it is murder by proxy. She has successfully navigated the walls of my defenses and has convinced me that there is no other way. The pain becomes so great that I can no longer live with it. I don’t want to die, but merely to have the pain cease. Logic is gone from my brain. You cannot discuss anything logically with a sociopath. It will become so twisted that you will never find your way out. The tangled mess of the trail will tighten around your neck until you stop breathing. I felt like dying yesterday but I did not harm myself as has been my practice. I had the thought but no intent as I did when I wrote the following poem in 2013.

Living to Die

Today is the day I live to die
Waiting for Morpheus as I close my eyes
Hoping to shut them for one last time
Peace at last, quietly divine.

But day breaks in and I open my eyes,
Today again I live to die,
The trail of my tears evaporated
Veins on my arms lacerated.

Today  is the day I live to die.
Empty eyes turned to the sky
Arms outstretched above my head
“Take me now for I’m already dead!

My shattered heart beats the lie
Today again I live to die.
There is no tomorrow left in me
Just today when I cease to be.

Today again I live to die
Scream out loud with a primal cry
And tug at the chains that shackle me.
They keep the victory of death from me.

Is my eternal rest nearby?
When every day I live to die?
My blood has dried, my tears are dry
Your aim was true, I’m dead inside.

Today again I live to die,
To look for the light on the other side.
To take this darkness away from me
The shell of who I used to be.

Katie “Vinjette” Kristoffer 2013

I don’t need to die for my mother. Jesus has already been the sacrifice for her and for me. What she wants me to believe is the lies. Only Jesus can save me and he already paid the price. My death will not make my mom happy for she will look for her next victim. Only Jesus can save her and he already paid the price.

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

I have made many mistakes along the way. I get them pointed out quite often, but the end of the stick is not so sharp any longer and doesn’t hurt as much as it once did. The point doesn’t pierce me as it pierced my Lord who was nailed on the cross. He paid the price for all my mistakes. All my sins. Everything. I don’t owe my mother, my children, my spouse, my friends, or anyone; anything. It’s all been paid. In full. I thank my Jesus for his wonderful gift which I accept fully. My mom rejected my gift but I will not reject the gift Jesus offers. I too, hope my mother accepts his gift of amazing love.

1 Timothy 1:12-17

I am grateful to Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because he judged me faithful and appointed me to his service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and a man of violence. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

The saying is sure and worthy of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the foremost. But for that very reason I received mercy, so that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display the utmost patience, making me an example to those who would come to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. -NSRV