Silencing the Noise

One thing that happens in a child raised by MNPDM is that their mother is always with them. For some people that could be a good thing, but in this case it causes the anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, and PTSD. Not do I only hear my mother in my mind, I sense her standing behind me just outside of my vision. Sometimes the voice that comes out of my mouth is hers and sometimes the words are hers as well. It feels at times like I am two people.

The voices are among the worst. They go non-stop. She puts the voice to my obsessive thoughts which are her thoughts. I don’t understand how they get into my mind except that they were programmed into me at a very young age. Likely from the ongoing, never ending repetition. “You are stupid, You are worthless, No good, not good enough, do it again, and again, start over, waste of space, waste of good air, I should take you out, end it, kill you.” They never stop and at times I have wanted to scream or end it myself just to have some silence. Self-harming has been a very negative way of stopping the noise. The shock and pain of doing something to one’s body, brings me to the present and out of my head. This creates a whole different set of problems. Once the shock goes away I am left with shame, guilt, remorse and overwhelming confusion as to how this could happen. When I am in my “aware” state self harming would never happen. When I am in the state where the noise in my head does not stop then I self harm. It is like I become my mother and harm myself as he would harm me. I hear her, my thoughts are hers, the voices are hers, my voice is hers, my words are hers and she stands right behind me where I can’t see her. Sound crazy doesn’t it?

What can I do to prevent the voices from getting out of control. It’s very easy but impossible. Now there goes crazy again….easy but impossible. Well, if I do things perfect then the voices don’t come. If I don’t do it perfect then they come. It’s sort of like a borderline OCD with the compulsion side. I do do things compulsively but not everytime or all the time. That’s why the voices come because they know what I do and what I have done and they judge and condemn me.

For instance, when I do the dishes, in order for the voices not to appear I must set the timer for 30 minutes and be finished within that time frame. I must wash and dry the dishes, put them away in their proper places. Clean the counters, stove, drip trays; wash down the counters and table and chairs; wash the front of the fridge and stove, and sweep or mop the floor. If any of it is not done, then the voices come. If I don’t finish on time the voices come. If I leave out something or know that a pot wasn’t dried as well as it could be, the voices come. The above was how I had to do dishes as a child. If any of the above was not met I was beaten. Over the knee, pants down. If I moved or got off, or put my hands over my bottom, she would start again. It could be 10, 20, 30 or more hits. It depended on my mom, her moods, day of the week. There was always a formula. For a while it on one hit for every minute on Monday to 7 for every minute on Sunday. Then after the beating she would tear all the dishes out of the cupboards and make us start over. Except it would be worse. We’d have less time because the dishes were clean, but she would sometimes dump the garbage out on the floor and make us scrub the oven racks as punishment. This time the numbers would be doubled. It is no wonder I hear my mother counting in my head.

Now, the voices have almost gone. It has been almost 6 months since I started mirtazapine. A drug which has been found to help people with PTSD and night terrors. It has changed my life, my world, my everything. If I cry now it is because I did not know people could feel the way I currently feel and I get angry that it has taken over 40 years to find a way to help me. I am so eternally greatful for the peace I have now that I had never experienced. There are still things that are awry but it is a miracle that the voices are pretty much quiet. They come up now and then but they don’t stay. I have urges to self-harm but they are not something I am compelled to do. It’s a thought, an urge, then it’s gone. I can do things part way and half way. I can leave my bed unmade. I can have people over if I haven’t vacuumed. I can have people over for dinner. It has changed my life.

I thought I was stuck with what I was for life and then a psychiatrist heard me and listened. Forty plus years of telling the same story and someone got it. Really makes me sad that others are going through the same thing. That is why I am becoming more vocal about my journey. There is hope, one just needs to keep going. Especially in our case when it is so hard to think let alone keep going. It just shows how incredibly strong our will really is.

In addition to the drugs which is not the answer to everything, it takes counselling and therapy. A lot of it. So much that you get tired of it. But keep going. I see a counseller, I do DBT therapy (everyweek for a year), I see a therapist, and a psychiatrist. Every week except for the therapist and psychiatrist but I see them on a regularly scheduled basis as well. It's hard work to change the wiring. It is hard to stay present, which is called being mindful. When I hear my mom I tell myself she is not here and concentrate on what I am doing. When I feel her, I tell myself she is not here and again concentrate on how wonderful the hot soapy water feels. Little by little I am making strides. Baby step by baby step. I am practicing on using my Wise Mind now. I am surprised at how often I do and can use it. Life is good and it can only get better.

The latest news on MNPDM is she is back in hospital again. Last hospital visit she screamed at me on the phone. I must be such a horrible daughter. She then didn't take my calls for over 3 weeks. She has been home for almost 3 weeks now after checking out of the hospital against doctors orders. She had had a heart attack and fell and split her head and fractured 3 discs. She refused to go to the hospital until she got a very bad headache. By time she got there she lost so much blood she needed a transfusion, and then was fitted with a back brace which she fought all the way. So she is back in the hospital again with Congestive Heart Failure and fluid in her chest which is making it impossible for her to breath. She cries that she is ready to go and then cries that she wants more time to be with her daughters. Then she doesn't take our calls and then does everything to make sure she will get sicker. Her words never match her actions. Somehow I will get through this and I hope I get through it without feeling guilty. That part is really tough. I know it logically, but that voice in my head is still not silent but there is hope that at least the volume will get turned down!

I am glad that God is my great physician and counsellor. He always gets it right. I thank everyone who have been praying for me for God as heard your prayers and He has led me to the right place for healing.

James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

A New Year, New Hope, New Troubles

365 days gone like leaves that blow away in the wind after they fall from the branches. Oh yes, some of my days blew away in huge wind storms and some were almost hurricanes. Others got washed away in the rainstorms of which there were many. Yet, I still had some good days in the sunshine. A change from the previous 4 years in which the sun did not come out. It was nice to lift my face to the sky and smile in the warmth of love and friends and new families.

With the end of the year came the good news that the proteins in my urine are a “one-off” and I don’t have multiple melanoma. Although they have to watch me, the news is about as good as it can get. Watch me all you want because this year…. nothing is going to stop me. I have let others control me and my life, my thoughts and my actions and this year I am going to be in control. Wow! That is going to be exciting for sure!

Then the new troubles. There is always trouble with a Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disordered Mother. I spoke to her Christmas Day and then tried since the Dec 27 until Jan 4 and left message upon message with her but no call, and no answer when I called. Well, dear sis called yesterday to say she is back in the hospital as of yesterday. She had a fall and broke her T1 disc so she will again be in the hospital for an extended time. Now here is the tricky part again. My mother made me promise, with tears coming from her eyes and sobbing; that I will not let her die alone and I promised her I wouldn’t let it happen. As soon as dear old mother gets in the hospital, she refuses all my calls and refuses to see me. She makes it impossible for me to keep the promise. Last year I cried over the rejection. I’m not crying any longer. It’s her choice and it has nothing to do with the desire that is in my heart. She prevents it and not me. I can hear her voice condemning me for not seeing her “I know what I said, but if you tried just a little hard I’m sure you would have found a way. IF, you really wanted to.” How many times I heard that while growing up. Always after she had made something impossible, and always before we were beaten because we could not carry out the impossible. I will no longer focus on the impossible and will only look at possibilities.

Also, that week before my mama went to the hospital she started to drive. She can’t even walk without a walker and falls down. She has to have someone to lift her legs into the car. What in the world is she thinking put the world at risk. You see, she gets so much attention by doing this. She tells people she is broke and can’t afford a taxi, that her children won’t help her (lie) and then she gets all these strokes “Oh you poor woman!” When she tells me this I tell her that it’s not true, and she says she knows, but that is what she says. No sense of guilt or impropriety. Just matter of fact.

One of my doctors has said that my mom will likely not last more than 6 months. She is making her last days very trying and I hold little hope for any heart to heart healing. Everything is a production, manipulated, set up, and orchestrated. My mom cannot just be mom and be in the moment. There is always something more and I am supposed to know it like I have direct access to a miraculous crystal ball that gives me all the answers. I don’t and I don’t even care to know the answers to the questions anymore. They wouldn’t be truthful anyway. Am I dejected? Nope, finally just realistic. I see the truth written on the trees in the forest. Yep, carved in wood. The truth is not going to happen. She cannot speak it unless there is some way she can spin or use it for her purpose.

Sigh. Mom. I wish you didn’t feel you had to try so hard to make me care or to make me love you, or to make yourself lovable. I already do and you don’t know it. You refuse to see because I understand then you will know just how unworthy of that love you will feel. It would be devastating for you. But I love you anyway. God taught me.

Isaiah 54:10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Romans 8:39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.