Posts
365 days gone like leaves that blow away in the wind after
they fall from the branches. Oh yes, some of my days blew away in huge wind
storms and some were almost hurricanes. Others got washed away in the
rainstorms of which there were many. Yet, I still had some good days in the
sunshine. A change from the previous 4 years in which the sun did not come out.
It was nice to lift my face to the sky and smile in the warmth of love and
friends and new families.
With the end of the year came the good news that the proteins in my urine are a “one-off” and I don’t have multiple melanoma. Although they have to watch me, the news is about as good as it can get. Watch me all you want because this year…. nothing is going to stop me. I have let others control me and my life, my thoughts and my actions and this year I am going to be in control. Wow! That is going to be exciting for sure!
With the end of the year came the good news that the proteins in my urine are a “one-off” and I don’t have multiple melanoma. Although they have to watch me, the news is about as good as it can get. Watch me all you want because this year…. nothing is going to stop me. I have let others control me and my life, my thoughts and my actions and this year I am going to be in control. Wow! That is going to be exciting for sure!
Then the new troubles. There is always trouble with a Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disordered Mother.
I spoke to her Christmas Day and then tried since the Dec 27 until Jan 4 and
left message upon message with her but no call, and no answer when I called.
Well, dear sis called yesterday to say she is back in the hospital as of
yesterday. She had a fall and broke her T1 disc so she will again be in the
hospital for an extended time. Now here is the tricky part again. My mother
made me promise, with tears coming from her eyes and sobbing; that I will not
let her die alone and I promised her I wouldn’t let it happen. As soon as dear
old mother gets in the hospital, she refuses all my calls and refuses to see
me. She makes it impossible for me to keep the promise. Last year I cried over
the rejection. I’m not crying any longer. It’s her choice and it has nothing to
do with the desire that is in my heart. She prevents it and not me. I can hear
her voice condemning me for not seeing her “I know what I said, but if you
tried just a little hard I’m sure you would have found a way. IF, you really
wanted to.” How many times I heard that while growing up. Always after she had
made something impossible, and always before we were beaten because we could
not carry out the impossible. I will no longer focus on the impossible and will
only look at possibilities.
Also, that week before my mama went to the hospital she started to drive. She can’t even walk without a walker and falls down. She has to have someone to lift her legs into the car. What in the world is she thinking put the world at risk. You see, she gets so much attention by doing this. She tells people she is broke and can’t afford a taxi, that her children won’t help her (lie) and then she gets all these strokes “Oh you poor woman!” When she tells me this I tell her that it’s not true, and she says she knows, but that is what she says. No sense of guilt or impropriety. Just matter of fact.
One of my doctors has said that my mom will likely not last more than 6 months. She is making her last days very trying and I hold little hope for any heart to heart healing. Everything is a production, manipulated, set up, and orchestrated. My mom cannot just be mom and be in the moment. There is always something more and I am supposed to know it like I have direct access to a miraculous crystal ball that gives me all the answers. I don’t and I don’t even care to know the answers to the questions anymore. They wouldn’t be truthful anyway. Am I dejected? Nope, finally just realistic. I see the truth written on the trees in the forest. Yep, carved in wood. The truth is not going to happen. She cannot speak it unless there is some way she can spin or use it for her purpose.
Sigh. Mom. I wish you didn’t feel you had to try so hard to make me care or to make me love you, or to make yourself lovable. I already do and you don’t know it. You refuse to see because I understand then you will know just how unworthy of that love you will feel. It would be devastating for you. But I love you anyway. God taught me.
Also, that week before my mama went to the hospital she started to drive. She can’t even walk without a walker and falls down. She has to have someone to lift her legs into the car. What in the world is she thinking put the world at risk. You see, she gets so much attention by doing this. She tells people she is broke and can’t afford a taxi, that her children won’t help her (lie) and then she gets all these strokes “Oh you poor woman!” When she tells me this I tell her that it’s not true, and she says she knows, but that is what she says. No sense of guilt or impropriety. Just matter of fact.
One of my doctors has said that my mom will likely not last more than 6 months. She is making her last days very trying and I hold little hope for any heart to heart healing. Everything is a production, manipulated, set up, and orchestrated. My mom cannot just be mom and be in the moment. There is always something more and I am supposed to know it like I have direct access to a miraculous crystal ball that gives me all the answers. I don’t and I don’t even care to know the answers to the questions anymore. They wouldn’t be truthful anyway. Am I dejected? Nope, finally just realistic. I see the truth written on the trees in the forest. Yep, carved in wood. The truth is not going to happen. She cannot speak it unless there is some way she can spin or use it for her purpose.
Sigh. Mom. I wish you didn’t feel you had to try so hard to make me care or to make me love you, or to make yourself lovable. I already do and you don’t know it. You refuse to see because I understand then you will know just how unworthy of that love you will feel. It would be devastating for you. But I love you anyway. God taught me.
Isaiah 54:10 Though the mountains be shaken and the
hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my
covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Romans 8:39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
