Afraid to Remember

I was watching Saving Mr. Banks this evening and Walt Disney is relating the real story of his life to Pamela Travers. He tells of the hardships he went through with a penny pinching and stern father. When he finishes the story he says, "But I don't like to remember it that way."

Nine words that struck at my heart and reminded me of how I choose to remember. I choose to remember my abuse as being not as bad as I remember it, or perhaps I did deserve it, or maybe I imagined it; anything other than what it was because I don't like to remember it the way it was. It is too painful, and so filled with terror that I currently cannot let my memory banks spill the memories into my conscious mind.

I have come to realize in the past couple months that I don't remember many things correctly, or with the intensity of the event. I have minimized it so I can bear it and write or speak about the evil in my life. I gloss over the real memory by creating a foggy image in my mind, and muting and muffling the sound. The picture and sound are at levels safe enough to see. Perhaps that is because of the dissociation at the time of the event and even now when I try to recall or talk of certain events. As I have been learning about complex PTSD these past 5 years I have been opening some of those drawers containing those painful memories. Many remain firmly shut and to even look at them causes intense feelings of panic and terror. There are moments when I want to beat at my head in panic, like a hoard of bugs has fallen on my head, and run screaming down the road. At other times I want to run to a corner and curl up as small as I can get and cover my face and my head. I have done both many times in my life.

There are memories that I have peeked at and they fill my mind with shadowy figures. Like looking at an old black and white thriller with someone looking at figures through a frosted glass. I don't want to see them because I don't want to remember what they have to say. I don't want to remember the way it was. I don't want to remember the real painful stuff. Yet I must if I am to recover completely.

I need to find my Mary Poppins to save the girl in the corner. The girl in the left side of the room that I cannot bear to cast my eyes upon. Not that I don't love her, or that she scares me. No, it is because she has the memories. I know if I look into her eyes I will know the entire truth. The truth that scares me. The truth that keeps a brother away from his family. The truth that has sent another sibling into a reclusive lifestyle. The truth that should set me free, may send me to a different prison. So, I don't want to remember it that way. It is safer to remember the way I do, but not healthier. What a dilemma.

I believe it is better to live with the truth than a lie. My Lord assures me that the truth will set me free. But what will it set me free from if I then run into hiding? Well, I have to believe that He will also heal me. Heal my mind, my heart, and my soul. I must put my fear aside and trust in Him for he loves me and will catch me if I should fall.

I will turn a deaf ear against the Devil who whispers those doubts in my ear. He has no power against my God who has spoken everything into being. Those that did evil to me, and those that wish to continue that evil upon me cannot stand against my God. They no longer have control over my mind. With the continued Grace of God I will continue my healing journey. One breath at a time.


1 Peter 5:7-8
7 Casting the [a]whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, [b]once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you [c]watchfully.

8 Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [[d]in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour.

Psalm 147:3-6
He heals the brokenhearted
    and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars
    and calls them each by name.
5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
    his understanding has no limit.
6 The Lord sustains the humble
    but casts the wicked to the ground.