Scattered Leaves

I have so much more to write, but the memories and events have come so fast that they blow around in my mind like the winds of fall that scatter the leaves. You run after them to catch them, thinking you are crafty and quick, but they are smarter and dance off in a different direction. Just like life. Just when you think you have it figured out and it goes a different way. One you never imagined or one you never wanted. But it is. And it gets dealt with in a clumsy, inexperienced and bumbling sort of way and we live to face the next dance. With a narcissist, there a many dances. The dances even change mid song. You can never learn the steps.

I saw a psychologist this week and she asked me why I still see my mother or even wish to. What was I hoping to get out of it. I told her I really had no idea. That maybe it was simply what people do. How cruel to let someone die alone. I said maybe I was trying to get a glimpse of who my mother really was. To see behind the mirror. My answers were as empty as our relationship.

They psychologist looked at me and said, "You won't find her. She is gone; if she ever even existed. Abuse done to the extent that causes one to become like my mother completely destroys the person and erases from the mind who they were. She was gone the moment this event took place. You can't find her. The best thing is to let go and walk away.".

I don't know how to do that. I want my mother. I want to make it okay for her. I want her to know that someone loves her despite what has happened. But she is apparently incapable of understanding love. I don't get it. Love can move mountains. Can it not heal a broken mind? A mother's mind? My mother's mind?

This journey veered off course and has left me lonely, and empty.  I am hollow. A mother sized hole in my psyche, my body. I did not expect his.