Holidays

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. Might be the one month vacation that dearly beloved and I went on. It was much needed after my breakdown and the ongoing onslaught of a dying narcissistic mother. Just before I left she called me and was screaming at the top of lungs over the phone. “You need a second opinion, you need another doctor!” “If you have been in counselling all your life and you are not better you need another doctor!” “Listen to me! I’m your mother!” Right after that she dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom with all her medications. Her flying monkey friend picked up the phone to tell me that my mother had locked herself in the bathroom with all her meds and was going to kill herself. Sigh. Just another day in the crazy world of narcissists.

I do have a new doctor and a new med regime which is working like magic. I no longer have night terrors, or extreme panic attacks. My moods are even without highs or lows. I am not stressing or having huge pendulum swings of anxiety. Mirtazapine is apparently a drug now being used for PTSD and it is really working for me. I take it along with risperidone and cipralex. I never knew it was possible to feel like this. This is what I have been missing all my life. This is what was denied to me. I am loving every minute of not wondering and worrying about every blessed thing in my life.
I came home from my holiday to host a pot luck dinner at my home. Now the planning for this event is going on while I am away. I have a house sitter who is inviting people to my home at the same time. Major anxiety inducers and yet nary a peep from my adrenal glands. I came home and made cabbage rolls, shopped, etc. get ready to have 18 people for dinner. I didn’t stress one bit and it was a smash success.  Oh yes, I even put up a tree and did some minor decorating. The first time in five years. Great progress. I even waited 4 days before I called my mom and haven’t called her since. I don’t even feel guilty. The holidays are definitely different than they have been in the past. I am actually enjoying them. Hallelujah!

Mom was diagnosed with multiple myeloma a few months ago. She moans, and whines, and complains, and cries about how sick she is. She is always dying and on the verge of death. I don’t care to hear it. I ask her how she is doing and she always starts with “Well, I have cancer, you know…”, like I somehow forgot after being told a bazillion times. I have no patience or tolerance for her self-pity any more. What growth.

Now the hard stuff. While I was away there were four messages left for me by my doctor. I went to see him a week after I got home. It seems that I have some proteins in my urine call Bence-Jones proteins and they should not be there. 80% of people with these proteins have multiple myeloma. The other 20% have other forms of cancer. So he sent me for a repeat to make sure it wasn’t a mistake or a “one off”. I don’t have the results yet. The waiting and fear is causing great anxiety and worry shifts. What if it is, What if it isn’t? I am trying very hard to be mindful and stay in the moment. My support network is keeping me very busy so I have little time to be by myself and think. They are awesome and making this difficult wait so much easier.

On a different emotional level I am angry at my MNM for passing these genes on to me. I know she didn’t do this on purpose, but almost everything bad or difficult in my life has come from her. Why didn’t pass on her singing voice instead. I know, petulant and self-serving. Yet I must work through this a step at a time and unjustified anger seems to be one of the steps. You just have to be angry at something and she is a suitable target.

I am starting DBT in January, I have a new psychiatrist (which I had before the scream fest and only because I moved and not because I needed a new one) and a new drug regime. I am hopeful that the tests are an error but whatever the case I have decided that I will Live, Love, and Laugh myself through the rest of my life. The illness will not define me. Just as I will no longer let PTSD, Anxiety, and OCD define me. I am going to make people smile and laugh which makes me smile and laugh. Mismatched socks, mismatched earrings, a blue streak in my hair, long skirts, sparkles, etc. I am going to do my best to make everyone laugh and be happy. This is not the end.


Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 118:6
The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.