It's All in Your Head

Words that hurt. Words that wound. Words that cut deeper than my own self-inflicted wounds. Words that are supposed to help me get rid of my mental illness. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, OCD (Obsessive Thoughts and counting), Anxiety, and Panic Disorder. These are all classed as mental illnesses. These words and words like:

"Snap out of it."
"Get over it."
"It's all in your head."
"Don't think about it."
"Forget about that stuff."

Words said, I hope; by well-meaning people to make you feel better. Instead, they shred my heart and tear my mind to pieces. It invalidates me. It says that what I feel is trivial and is either not real, or doesn't matter.

Most so-called "normal" people don't understand mental illness. It has something to do with the brain, but that does not mean it is imagined or not real. It is something that happens when chemicals or neurons are misfiring in your brain and your life which was smooth, now starts to run rough. Life a car with a spark plug that misfires. It runs shaky and vibrates. You step on the gas to make it go and it coughs and dies, sputters and chokes. Yep, that's my life at times. Not firing on all cylinders. Does that mean I'm crazy, or that it's not real? This is wear the stigma comes in. A missing spark plug, or no gas is a very real thing. It is not imaginary or made up. It exists, it's a problem with mind, not the imagination. I don't imagine that I have a car. I HAVE a car and it doesn't work proper. It needs to be fixed by a mechanic because I don't how.

See, I think the masses think mental illness is something that people make up because they are, well; crazy. No! mental illness is something that happened because we live in a world that is crazy. It can happen, and does happen to many people. It comes on after wars, violence, abuse, and trauma. It comes on because chemicals become imbalanced. It comes on because neurons misfire in the brain, the wiring has gone awry. You don't image it, pretend it, or want to be the way it is. You can't make it go away. It is just as real as a broken leg, a tooth ache, or a pain in the butt! I am not weak, selfish, seeking attention, or malingering. I am so tired of the stigma attached to having a mental disorder.

Can you imagine the following conversation?

Girl: Mom! I've fallen in love with the most wonderful guy!
Mom: Oh, get over it, it's all in your head. You're not really in love.
Girl: Oh no. Mom, he makes me feel so special, you have no idea.
Mom: Oh, forget about that stuff. You're special with or without him.
Girl: Oh mom, he asked me to marry him. I'm the luckiest girl in world. I feel I'm on cloud nine.
Mom: Snap out of it, it's all in your head. There is NO cloud nine.

Do we tell people who are in love to "Snap out of it"?  Do we tell people who are crying because they just got the news that they have a terminal illness that their grief is "All in your head!"? Do we tell someone who is dying of heart disease to "Not think about it?"  Do we tell people who are happy to "Forget about it."

No, we don't. Some emotions are acceptable, some are acceptable if they come with a visible reason. The rest are unacceptable by many of societal standards.

"You've been sad long enough, move on."
"That happened a long time ago, get over it."
"You should be glad they're gone."
"Calm down."
"Stop crying!"

I am told to deny my existence, my being, my life. People ask me to remember only the good. They mean well, but they had no understanding of a life filled with bad. Yes, I am 43 years away from what was done, but the wiring was put in place the day I popped out of the birth canal. There was never a safe place. A child that is loved and nurtured learns that when it is hurt or frightened, that someone comes to help and makes them better. They learn when they are in pain, that someone takes care of them. The learn when they are happy, others are happy. They learn the world is safe. The primal fear center in their brain start to make connections that say "You are okay, your are safe".

In my brain, when I was sick, I was punished and made sicker. If I was sad I had the sadness knocked out of me. If I was happy I had it knocked out of me. If my MNM was sick, or tired, or upset she took it out on me. My very existence depended on me being afraid on guard all the time. My brain never developed the connections that said the world is safe. Consciously I know that, but where my primal cortex is, the most primitive part of the brain, where everything develops and comes from; does not. My lack of nurturing did not let the connections develop.

I'm sure that many have heard or read of infants that were not held or touched after they were born. They grow up with an attachment disorder because the brain did not develop the wiring for being touched, comforted, held. Every human being deserve that very basic need of being held in their mothers arms. These infants fail to thrive and many die. Those that survive have significant problems. Tell that adult in that position to just "Snap out of it." Scientific American does a great job on describing it.

Once that wiring is in place that is the way it works. I want to turn on the kitchen light but when I flick the switch the television in the family room goes on. I want to stop being anxious, and if I try, then I obsess. If I try not to obsess I get anxious. If I try to do neither I panic. If I try to control my panic I slash my arms. I know what I want but I am unable to get there because the pathway does not exist. The switch to turn off the fear center does not exist. Adrenaline and cortisol are out of whack. No human being has the power by their own will to control the amount of hormones or chemicals that flow in their body. Insulin is an example. Too much or too little you have diabetes. Too much or too little of another you have Addison's Disease. The list is long. Can you imagine telling a diabetic that it is all in their head? No you can't. That would be crazy. Just as crazy as telling me that it is all in my head when adrenaline flows unchecked out of my adrenal glands.

Each time those words are spoken, it invalidates my life, my experience, and my well-being. It triggers emotional flashbacks and takes me back to my youth."It's all in your head, you're not sick, you are trying to get attention." Then I'd have to clean my own vomit, still cook, and clean. After being beaten and humiliated having to kiss my MNM on the lips and have to tell her I love her. And sound like I meant it. "Don't think about it, don't think about it." After being beaten being told not to cry or you'll get some more. "Snap out of it! I barely touched you. Wait until I really give you something to cry about." Cut marks and welts on my legs, buttocks, shoulders, that were put there by a 3 inch wide piece of conveyor belt. Please, as a favour to all of us who suffer with some sort of mental illness, please don't say those words to us. If you don't know what to say, just give us a hug. Hold our hand. Just don't ask us to deny our life. We want to get over this, more than you you want us to.

Most people don't know of my journey. They wouldn't get it. How do I know that? I was out for an evening with my mother-in-law with a friend of hers. They were talking about the boys on a hockey team that had undergone years of sexual abuse by their coach and had decided as adults to finally speak their truth. This woman friend of my mother-in-law said, "For god's sake, it went on for years without them saying anything. They must have enjoyed it then."  I felt the air sucked out of my lungs. People just don't get it. They don't know the tricks that keep you silent. The fear, the shame. And now here is a woman that blames the child. They must have liked it! Really? Even if they begged for it, they are a child and an adult should know better! Outrageous. She is a reason many won't tell of their sexual abuse. You get victimized again. She re-victimized me without knowing it. I was sexually abused for years. By many people. I must have been a real tramp. Gosh, I must have even carried a sign advertising the fact I was easy. Shame on me? NO! Shame on you who think that. Shame on a world that judges and treats people unfairly. Shame on a world that makes a group of people feel less than they should. Shame on a world for making me feel bad because I was mistreated. Shame on a world that makes me cry. Shame on a world that makes me feel like I have to apologize for being alive. Shame on a world that makes me feel bad for asking for help. It's always about shame. That is one of the way abusers control people.

I am so glad that I not any less than anyone else in the eyes and heart of my God. His opinion is the only one that matters.

Romans 14:10: You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat.

In the end, He will treat us all the same. There is no difference between you and I in the eyes of my creator.