I guess 25 years of silence was non enough for my mom including 40 years of almost no contract. She has now embarked on the the silent treatment which is starting the 3rd week. She is angry because I did not stay with her when hubby went away so I am being punished. People with my mother's disorder will invoke the silent treatment upon their victim for days, weeks, and even longer, often with no explanation, as a way to control and demoralize their victim. These disordered people are fond of using the Silent Treatment as a cruel (but not unusual) punishment for doing nothing wrong at all and, from experience, I can tell you that the affect of this method of control is sheer torture. At time same time I relish the peace,but stress at the potential call which may come soon. It is likely to hateful, spiteful, venomous, and full of rage and reasons why it is all my fault. It is no wonder sleep escapes me and anxiety levels are climbing. She says if my God was as good as I claim that he would have fixed me already, and her too, so what good is he?
It is exhausting being with her, thinking about her, staying one step ahead of her, avoiding the traps, the pitfalls, and the web she is constantly weaving to ensnare you. Sometimes I have to stop writing and to stop thinking. I have to forget she exists in order to remain sane, but she will not beat me. She will not win because I have love on my side. Love always wins.
My heart beats love
tiny beads of love that burst
into big balloons that fill the sky.
There are so many
that hate can't find it's way
to fill my heart like it did yesterday.
Just great giant balloons
pressing together the pieces
of my broken and beating heart.
God turns my hate into love, my pain into beauty. She cannot destroy what God has spoken into being.
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