A Child Of God

MNM are emotional vampires and they suck everything out of you. Everything of value. Everything good, everything that makes you you. They erode your will, your mind, your life, until you are left with nothing but tears behind your eyes, and then they take them. They suck the soul from you until you are dried right out and nothing is left and they sit on their lofty perch waiting for the kill. The ultimate prize for a homicidal MNM is when they can manipulate you into taking your own life. Their hands remain clean and they get all kinds of attention for the death. "Poor MNM". "How can you bear it?" "You are so strong." "After all you did for that child." They bask in the attention and they preen their feathers as the lies gather and pick your bones clean. When I was 17 I tried to take my life. It wasn't planned. I was already dead, and just a few words pushed me over the edge. "Useless; good for nothing; you'd be better off dead!"

I was dead inside but yet in some perverted way I believed this would make my MNM happy. After all I was convinced that I was what all her despicable lies said to me. I thought this ultimate act of sacrifice would make her happy. How sick and twisted can one be to cause their child to come to that conclusion. The are empty of any moral or redeeming qualities. Evil permeates everything they say and do, everything they touch is contaminated. Everything and anything, including living, breathing, good, human beings are objects they use and destroy to further their vampire like needs. They drain your life force from you and then toss you away in the garbage.

This is the poem I wrote about my road to suicide at 17. A time when I should have been looking forward to new beginnings. A new path in life. Marriage, jobs, children. I chose death.


A CHILD OF GOD

Sent to a demon that gave her birth,
A child of God unloved on earth.
Loved by the angels way up high,
She'd pray to them and ask them why.

She used to dream of better things,
of fairy tales and magic rings.
To dream that she could fly away
to loving arms and brighter days.

But the demon came and took them all,
broke her spirit and watched her fall.
The queen of terror, the master of pain
Struck out at her again and again.

She learned to cower and live in fear,
She learned to cry her silent tears.
To open he mouth but never speak,
To close her eyes but never sleep.

Taught to believe that she was no good,
That no one would love her as no one could.
Cruelly defeated with shattered esteem,
Now empty inside of even her dreams.

A beaten child that knew her place,
A crying heart with a smiling face.
She'd go to bed and silently cry,
And pray to God and ask to die.

She tried to please with all her might,
'til nothing remained to help her fight,
the fear inside, the terrible cold;
a child so young had grown old.

(c) 1989 Katie "Vinjette" Kristoffer (VGW)

I thank my God everyday that I was his child and he did not let me die on that October day in 1971. I had value to Him.

Sister Love

My sister was the most important person in my life next to my father. My father was the recipient of my MNM mother's rages or, as they call it; narcissistic injury. Any time a MNM is hurt, uncomfortable, cornered, or caught they suffer a narcisssitic injury and it comes out in rage. I saw my mother throw plates of food at my father and on his car. She took the keys out of his ignition while we were driving down a mountain road and threw them out the window. She stabbed him with a knife. She jumped out of a moving car. She took her children to a hotel room and abandoned them and never told my father where we were. She apparently had an affair with another man and had my brother. I don't know if that is true, but we came home from the orphanage and had a brother that looked nothing like the rest of us. I will call him Truman to protect his identity and because he has always wished to know the truth about his parentage. Rumors cut deep into one's soul. If it was true, my father forgave her and they went on living this precarious balancing act with my out of control MNM always on the verge of violence or coming down from it. We learned to walk on eggshells and to hide. Another child came and then my father caught my MNM with another man, and then another, and yet another. It was always his fault because he could not give her whatever it was that she wanted. He could have given her the moon, but it would not have been enough. He was broken in spirit, and he had no more delusions. One day he put his wedding ring in a coffee cup and left. Quiet and simple. Like the life he had wanted.

My mother picked up life with one of the men and they started a new life together. I wish I could say it was good, but it was a nightmare existence. My stepfather had many strengths, but many weaknesses as well. He was a flying monkey for my MNM. I am still trying to figure it out. How do MNM recruit normal people to do their dastardly, evil deeds. I know that some are fooled, but I don't think he was. He did things which he had to know were wrong. Some do it out of ignorance. Could he have been really ignorant of the fact that level of abuse we were being subjected to was okay? One suggestion is that flying monkeys have weak characters. He didn't seem to, as he did have a strong mind. So it only remains that he did not have the backbone to stand up to my MN as he was afraid of her. What could that fear be? It could have been the fear of losing his two biological children with her.

My MNM told me in a moment of supposed closeness that she only married my stepfather because of the financial security he provided. He was quite a bit older than her, enough to cause eyebrows to be raised up and whispers to follow as they passed you on the street. She told me that she didn't love him. Well, we know that NM do not tell the truth, not ever. Whether there is any truth in that I will never know, but in any event he participated in the abuse and provided two step siblings.

I always wanted a sister. I had four brothers and a sister would be about perfect. I would have someone to talk to on a girl level. Boys didn't always get things. I was 13 when my beautiful sister arrived. So delicate and exquisite. I would take care of her and she would love me because I would be awesome! Little did I know that NM would make sure I did take care of her. I changed her, fed her, walked her, rocked her, washed and folded her diapers, her clothes, babysat, day and night, night and day. I would change and feed her before school, come home on lunch and change and feed her. After school, again, change and feed her then take her for a walk. I walk my sister so much and because I also came home to change her, kids at school thought she was mine. I was ridiculed and teased. I felt ashamed over something I had not done. At night I'd change her, put her in jammies, get her bottle and lie down with her until she went to sleep. She was a fussy baby and would wake up all night long. If NM heard her I would get it. "Can't you do one simple thing I ask you?" she'd rage while pulling at my hair and slapping my face. "I take care of her all day long, and the other 5 of you! All you have to do is keep one baby quiet and YOU can't do it, can you? How are you ever going to be a mother yourself if you can't keep your sister quiet? You are so useless. A waste of space. I should kill you and get you out of my misery." I'd be crying and saying I was sorry and that I would do better. I would be pleading for another chance. I loved my sister so much and just wanted to play with her. I didn't want to be her mother.

When my sister was about 3 years old I finally made my escape and was made a ward of the court. MNM turned my older siblings against me by telling them all kinds of lies. I saw my two youngest sibling very infrequently. I followed them as best as I could with words and news from various friends and family. In later years my older siblings and I reconnect but the connection with my sister seemed broken. I guessed it was because of the age difference when I left home, but I didn't know.

Years later I found out it was because of something that was heard by someone and reported back to her. It was an incomplete sentence they heard and reported but my MNM played it for all it was worth and it really hurt my precious sister. I said "I hated my sister because I had to be her mother when I was 13." They only reported the first 4 words, or MNM only used the first 4 words. In any event this caused a severe wedge in our relationship. My sister thought I hated her and nothing was further from the truth. Triangulation, deception, lies, twisting, manipulating, and plain evil is all what our life was about.

Over the years my sister and I have grown up and matured. Our eyes are not blinded by glaring eyes of our MNM as we have been no contact for a couple decades. Our brains have rested and we have gained so much knowledge and insight into our condition and the condition of our MNM. We just spent hours on the phone being sisters. Laughing, cheering, congratulating, encouraging, and crying. We cry for the years we missed as sisters, yet we are so happy for our closeness now. We always loved each other. Always. It will never be any different. We are happy we made it, yet we have siblings that are not a part of us. Their wounds are different. They have reacted differently. Chose differently. Some of them we weep for. Some we have gone No Contact for they are as dangerous of MNM. Yet they will stay in our hearts, and our prayers. They are family. We know their wounds.

We want vengeance and we want justice for the hurt caused to us. At the same time I have forgiven my MNM. I know she was hurt really, really bad. I can't figure out the right kind of justice so I will have to leave it up to God. After all, we all belong to Him.