Tactics

Malignant narcissist psychopath disordered people have an enormously immature attitude of entitlement. To them you are not a person, but an object that is there only to satisfy their needs. Their need is to be noticed and they don't care whether is love or hate. As long as they are getting attention it is okay. If you hate them, these people are so twisted that they are able to twist it and maniputlate into something to suit their needs and purposes.

Always be aware that if they do not get their own way  you will be on your way to the MNP disorded persons ways of controlling you and putting the focus back on them.  Your job is always to gratify them and they will become vindictive, they will bully you, shame you, rage at you, put you down, treat you contemptuously, and attempt to make you doubt you own sanity.

Blame shifting: They blame you for their bad behavior.
Financial abuse: They control the finances and manipulate expenses to be in their control.
Smear Campaigning: They have subtle or overt conversations with friends and family which contain false concern for your mental health or behavior.
Compulsive lying: These are lies that are told in order to control the victim's reality... they might seem silly or to serve no purpose unless one looks deeper.
Rage: Sometimes, the person with NPD will simply rage at their victim. This can include emotional, verbal and physical abuse.
Threats: The person with NPD is a master of intimidation. They will make you fear for your life, children, reputation or job.
http://www.examiner.com/article/how-to-weather-a-narcissist-s-storm

My MNPM just put me through a silent treatment after I lost my cool with her. Not a good thing to do with narcissists as it feeds their need for attention. They sit back and gloat that they have won the round. You are now as angry and upset as they feel. I managed to get in control of myself and used a lot of "I" statements and set some boundaries with her. She was not a happy narcissist! In her days of the silent treatment she worked and honed her skills to manipulate me when she called again. It was perfection and such a work or narcissisitic skill. I was prepared and armed and didn't fall for it.

HER: Hello.
ME: Hi mom, how you doing?
HER: I thought you were going to call me.
ME: No mom, I said that I don't like to call when you are so sick and can't take my call, so I told you from now on you call when you are feeling well. That way I don't disturb you.

This was decided after three episodes of her refusing to take my call for 1 day, 2 days, and then 4 days because she was sick. The last episode of 4 days had her flying monkey tell me that she was so sick that he was scared. "She won't let me call the doctor, she won't let me take her to the hospital, she won't let me call the ambulance....I am so scared, I don't know what to do. I think she is going to die. She says such bad things and says such bad words to me."  English is not this gentleman's first language. My MNM has a filthy mouth. If there is a curse word, she knows it and she knows how to string them together in such a horrifying string of filth that you want to shower after you hear it.  Hearing that she was saying bad words let me know she wasn't dying. She had a lot of energy left. I explained to my MNM that I would no longer call her and bother since she is so sick so often. I was showing her concern and respect. That was the new rule and new boundary. I was not going to be rejected or punished by her and I didn't need to worry about whether or not she really was dying, and I didn't need the Flying Monkey adding his own worry and stress to the situation. I didn't need or want 2 people trying to manipulate me.

HER: That's not fair. I shouldn't have to do all the calling! (Trying to make me feel guilty.)
ME: Mom, I called you every day for over 2 months. I explained what would happen if you refused to take my call again and you did it again. These are the rules. I don't like being made to worry and I don't like bothering you when you are sick.
HER: Well, that is silly, you don't need to worry.
ME: Mom, it is natural to worry when someone is sick.
HER: Not if I told you not to.
ME: Mom, turn it around. If you called her and my husband told you I was sick and wouldn't go to the hospital, etc (read the above). Would you worry?
HER: Of course I would, and I would be in my car and at your place as fast as I could get there to make sure you were okay. (Bingo! If I loved her, I would have rushed to her side.)
ME: Well mom, that is you. I think you are an adult, and as such can make your own mind up whether or not you need to go to the hospital. If you thing staying at home is best, then I trust your judgement.
HER: Well, I guess I just care too much. (Indicating that I didn't do what she wanted -- rush to her bedside -- so therefore was lacking).
ME: I care too, but I respect your wishes to be left alone.
HER: Well, if you say so. (Letting me know she is not happy, and that she doesn't believe me.)
ME: Mom, if I came over when you said you were sick and wanted to be alone, then I would not be respecting you or your wishes.
HER: (Time to change the subject as she knows she is not winning.) How are you sleeping?

My MNM knows I have insomnia and night terrors. She is fully aware of what caused them. She knows I have terrors because of the fear of being murdered by her. I relive them over and over. She pooh-poohs them with, "Oh no, I loved you and would never have hurt you."  I don't know how she can make that statement without going up in a pillar of smoke as she hurt us everyday, and in every way you can imagine. It was a life filled with horrifying brutality and pain.  So, she gets me all riled up a few nights earlier and she KNOWS exactly how I slept. She wants me to know how she can control me.

ME: I don't want to talk about my sleep. I sleep the way I sleep.
HER: Well, I want to know because I care about you. (No, you just want to get your narcissistic supply)
ME: Well, if I am having problems with my sleep then I will talk it over with my counsellor.
HER: You've been doing that for years and they haven't helped you yet. You need to talk to your MOTHER so she can help you. (Yeah, right. I can't be helped, it's not working, you're incurable, talk to me who caused it.)
ME: Well, sometimes these things take a while to be fixed. I just have to be patient.
HER: Well, why doesn't God help you then. You said he has answered so many of your prayers, then why won't he take this away?  (Let's attack her beliefs.)
ME: How do you know he hasn't? Sometimes the answer is Yes, sometimes the answer is No, like he said to Paul when he asked for the thorn to be removed. Jesus said "My grace is sufficent for you"; and then sometimes the answer is not yet. I don't pretend to know the mind of God, but I know he hears my prayers and answers them.
HER: Not very well, obviously. (more baiting, and pointing out how ineffective my God is. Mother can do better.)
ME: Perhaps he is teaching me patience.
HER: (Time to change the subject). So are you going to come home and stay with me when your sister comes, since your husband will be gone? It would be so nice to have you come home.

AAARGH!! I so detest the word home when she uses. So completely delusional! I never had a home, not ever. It was a place of abuse. It was a place of horror. It was a place that drove 50% of her children to attempt suicide.  One more may have but he is dead so I can't ask and I was kept away from the family when I left. The other is a drug addict, and the other is tormented with memories and has become very reclusive and withdrawn from the world. I had no home.

ME: I don't plan on it. I will come and visit you with sis.
HER: But wouldn't it be nice to be with your mother? Won't it be nice to come home so we can hug and kiss one another? I can make you something nice to eat. What would you like to eat?
ME: Nothing mom, I coming with sis and going home.
HER: But you will be alone all week, can't you spend a few days with me?
ME: Mom, my husband goes away and I get to do all the things I want to do. Plus, I get to have some really important me time. I love to be by myself so I can write and create things.
HER: But a whole week...that's a along time...(Now i was going to have to get really firm, but hubby came to the rescue and reminded me of our sick cats.)
ME: I want my ME time, it's really important to me, besides if hubby is gone, no one is here to give the kitties their medicine.

She caved!  Well, she let me go as I said we were expecting a call, otherwise the attack would have gone on and on until I was exhausted again. Be on your guard at all times and never let your defenses down. Make your boundaries really clear and never back down. Never promise anything you can't give and never go back on your promise. Don't ever back down. Stay strong, you'll need to be.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. Psalm 28:7

I am making it, a moment at a time, a minute at a time, a day at a time. I am getting stronger and healthier.

Exhausted

This week has been both exhausting and illuminating. Exhausting because I got on that hamster wheel with MNM and allowed to her to wear me down to the point of exhaustion. Even though I am so aware of the tricks she can and does use I get caught. She knows what to say, when to say it, and how to say it to cause you to become unbalanced and react. Then acts confused, or condescending that you are feeling that way. You cannot win, no matter what you do. The strange part is that is not even a matter of winning. It is a matter of being human. It's a matter of rights and boundaries and each and every one gets violated over and over. If she can't get through this way, she'll go under, on top, through the back, erode it, blow it up, whatever she needs. Cagy and cunning and so totally evil and destructive.

I should have hung up on her. I should have stopped it but I got entangled. I cried like I hadn't cried since I was a child. Great loud primal sobs that came from deep within my soul. The cries of a child that knew that no help would come. That no one would rescue her and that no one would believe her. I cried because she was saying terrible things about me, about my father, about my work, my hobbies, my integrity, and my motives.

I have been trying to show my MNM that I understand her pain and how life had hurt her. I explained that I have forgiven her. I told her that I loved her. She has been estranged for more than 20 years and was left without even a photo of her 6 children. That broke my heart. I got a photo frame, and an android tablet and copied over 2000 photos to give her. I gave her a book of her grandchildren that I personally made. I have her a photo of my husband and I to put on her bookshelf. I brought her cookbooks she wanted, my wedding dress, my wedding photos. I got an internet stick so I could show her her grandchildren on Facebook and even arrange for her to talk face to face with two granddaughters. I have gone overboard in trying to make her feel forgiven and loved and to make her feel important.

Imagine my shock when she said, "I feel that I will never be number one in your life. That I will never measure up and will always be second. That I will never be good enough for you and that you will never love me as much as your father."

Well, the truth is that she is lucky that I even talk to her and that God has healed my heart enough to  have even given her chance! Yet this is a perfect example of one of those double bind statements. If I say yes, I will face the wrath of a narcissistic injury which is a rage like you can not imagine unless you have seen one. Horrifying to the extreme and dangerous. So, not wanting to face the rage, and not wanting to lie and placate her to make her feel better; I got angry.

"How dare you? Have I not done everything you asked for? Where have I let you down? Tell me, what else is it that you want me to do for you that I haven't already done? Don't I call you every day? Haven't I forgiven you? What else do you want? When will it be enough?" I was so angry I was almost screaming.

Meanwhile MNM says quite calmly, "Oh, I don't know, I just feel that way and I can't put it into words, but you know what I'm talking about."

Hmmm...nope. I don't know what you are talking about, but I do know about the narcissist. They are bottomless pits that suck the life out everyone to try to fill themselves up.

I got so stressed out that I developed cold sores. I used to get them alot as a child and now I know why.

I did not talk to MNM the next day and the following day she called me in tears, "I don't ever want to get off track when we talk again. I don't want to get all upset because it is not good for me. I want you to be here with me and I don't want to die alone. I don't want you to go away and leave me. I love you."

Do you notice there was not one thing about me or upsetting me. No sorry. The I love you is only so she can get what she wants. I used to forgive her when I heard those words and believe them because I wanted to hear them so badly. Not any more. Not ever. She has not called me since, nor have I called her.

I am so glad that I can trust completely in the love that Jesus gives to me. I love these words sung by the David Crowder Band that tell just how much he loves us.

"How He Loves"
(originally by John Mark McMillan)

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Gaslighting

Definition from Wikipedia: Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

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The term "gaslighting" has been used colloquially since the 1970s to describe efforts to manipulate someone's sense of reality. In a 1980 book on child sex abuse, Florence Rush summarized George Cukor's 1944 film version of Gas Light, and writes, "even today the word [gaslighting] is used to describe an attempt to destroy another's perception of reality."
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Psychologist Martha Stout states that sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics. Sociopaths consistently transgress social mores, break laws, and exploit others, but typically, are also charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. Thus, some who have been victimized by sociopaths may doubt their perceptions. Jacobson and Gottman report that some physically abusive spouses may gaslight their partners, even flatly denying that they have been violent.
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Another explanation from an excellent site "Daughters of Narcissitic Mothers"

Gaslighting is one of the most insiduous, viscious, nasty and effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse.

It can make the victim feel as if she's going crazy. If your perceptions of reality are constantly denied, and above all, denied by your mother, the person you look up to and who you think knows everything, it is very, very head-wrecking and crazy-making.

Read more:Daughters of Narcissist Mothers

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Just recently I went through some tough days of gaslighting with my malignant narcissist socipathic/psychopathic mother. It was trying and extremely difficult. At times I am as crazy as her as I get caught in her web of drama and end up engaging with her. I have been warned and have learned NOT to engage yet find myself unable to react at times. I will have to learn to be more aware and disengage those buttons or she will use that crack to tear my to pieces.

I listened to her for days telling me about my father and how he treated her so badly. I am fully aware that it takes two in a marriage and my father is not without fault, although his hands were extremely full being married to a woman with this personality disorder. She went on and on and ran him continually into the ground. She wore me down and I broke. Another tactic and I tripped and fell for it.

My father was one of the very few good memories I have in life. He was my hero, my ray of sunshine. He left my mother when I was 10 years old. We knew he was not coming back as he had put his wedding ring in a coffee cup and left it for my mother. He had caught her numerous times with other men. I had caught her with men. She abused him and I a witness to the violence. I lost my composure when she told me that her marriage had been annulled by the church as my father was no kind of husband.

Me: Incredulously ask "How can your marriage be annulled after you have 4 children?". In addition, one of the four is likely not his.

Her: "Because he was gone for 5 years so the church said he was likely sleeping with someone else and had abandoned the family."

Me:  "He left you because he found you sleeping with another man!"

Her: "Oh no, what are you talking about? That never happened. I would never do that. He left because he was alcoholic and sleeping with every woman that came around, including the babysitter."

Me: "I have dad's divorce papers right here and it says that HE divorced you."

Her: "What do you mean you have them. That is impossible because our marriage was annulled because of his infidelity. What do they say, IF you have them?" Yep, she's baiting me and I'm falling for it.

So I read the divorce claims and judgement to her where my father claims infidelity, listing the names and occupations of the men, and how HE was awarded the divorce and my MNM next husband was to pay damages to HIM!

She says, "Well I don't know where you got those because I was never in court." I remind her that the document states she failed to appear in court. So she states that she wasn't served with papers so how could she! I remind her that courts can't proceed without proof that she was served. That she had to sign that she received the summons. So next, she says, "Well, I don't even know who those men are that you read to me. I don't even know them."  I tell her that you can't go to court with made up names. You have to have proof, you have to have evidence. You can't make up names and get a judgment.

"Well, he had to, because none of this makes sense. I got an annulment because your b****** father was s******* around and I never got served, and I never went to court, so it is impossible that he divorced me. I don't know where you got those papers or where they came from. They have to made up!"

See, even with the evidence in front of them, with the lawyers name on the letterhead, the stamp from the court, the date, signed by the judge; it doesn't exist. Someone made it up. You are a liar. Someone tricked her. She didn't do anything wrong, the wrong was done to her. Everybody does things to her.

She was hospitalized after her suicide attempt and making me watch her die. I asked her what the doctor said to her. She said that he said she was stressed and it was like she was fighting a war with the entire world on one side and only her on the other. She was fighting the battle all by herself. I thought it was very apropos. I asked her what she thought of that. She said, "It made me mad. What kind of crap is that? I didn't even understand what he was trying to tell me. I just got madder."

Malignant narcissist people cannot admit their faults because they don't see that they have any. That is why they are so evil. Most people have a conscience. They have feelings, they care. Because these people don't, it is what makes them so evil.

Scott Peck writes in "People of the Lie"
It is necessary that we first draw the distinction between evil and ordinary sin. It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people...The central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it.

My mother cannot acknowledge anything, because nothing exists for her, except herself.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. James 5:16

Storms of Life

"The tragedy of man is not that he dies, but what dies within him while he still lives." – Albert Schweitzer

Life is hard for most people. Even if you come from the most loving family, you will still face hardships. Unemployment, illness, and divorce are just some of the challenges people face in a difficult world.

There are famines, droughts, fires, tornadoes, hurricanes, and other storms in life. There is spousal abuse, employer abuse, child abuse, and the the very difficult and soul killing abuse of a malignant narcissistic psychopathic parent. Some writers have written that they "rape the soul", "have the ability to kill without actually pulling the trigger", "emotional vampires", callous, remorseless, and sadistic. A malignant narcissist is nothing like a narcissist, but has a deeply perverted type of self-love that demands and manipulates everyone into thinking the same. He slowly erodes your personal boundaries until they fit into theirs and then they swoop in for the kill taking away your reasoning, mind, self-will, self-esteem, personality, emotions, your being, your soul, and your life. They are empty of any emotion or conscience. No guilt, no remorse, no lack of sleep for being a despicable and evil human being.

I suffered from the day I was born with the likes of this personality. She was relentless. Mind, body, spirit, soul, and will were all taken from me. Temporarily. Sixty years down the road I can see that. I lived much of my life blinded by the lies my MNM put in front of my eyes. Lie upon lie, upon lie. Unending. They continue to this day but I see through them. I see her for what she is and she is evil. I feel unclean after being with her yet I try to show her love and kindness, she is unable to receive it.

Therapy and counseling have helped to tear down the walls. It is slow and painstaking but one thing that has helped me in my journey was a faith in and a love for God. I believe he loved me and did not want this for me. I wonder why He let it happen but I have no really good answer except that it was my faith and belief in Him that got me through it. I do not believe I would have made it without Him.

My MNM made me doubt my own sanity. For a time she had me believing that God hated me. She made me believe I was worthless. Nothing. That I didn't deserve to live, that I would be better off dead. She humiliated me, shamed me, embarrassed me, lied to me, beat me, tortured me, and made me beg for my life, and one time made me watch her while she died. She said I was a very bad child and because of that she no longer wanted to live. Since I was the reason she did not want to live I could sit on the chair and watch her die after she took the pills that would kill her. I was to think about how bad I was while watching her slip from this life into the next. I was nine years old.

I had heard somewhere, perhaps when I went to a Salvation Army camp that God loved us. He loved us so much that he wanted to save us. In fact, he sent his son. I was so desperate for any kindness, for any love; desperate for anything. I wanted that love. I wanted the love that never ended. The kind of love that would forgive you of anything. Since I was so bad I needed a lot of forgiveness. I believed I was unlovable but God didn't. He loved everyone. I needed him. I needed him to believe in. I needed him to keep me sane. I needed to focus on him or I would not have made it. I prayed to him. I raged at him and got mad. I hated and loved him at the same time, but I never stopped believing in him. He was the only thing that loved me and the only thing I could put my hope in.

God did not save from the torture of my years of abuse. Perhaps I should rephrase that as he did not save me from the acts of the abuse, but he did save me from the effects of the abuse. Many people who have been through abuse suffer enormously. I have been among them. They are angry, bitter, alcoholics, drug addicts, commit crimes and are violent themselves. They wear their abuse like a giant neon badge and blame their abusers for their behaviour. I understand why and my heart breaks for them. God saved me from that life. What he did was change my heart to a heart of compassion and understanding for the broken people of this world. Those that have been hurt in ways that no one else can understand except for one who has been there. I have learned to forgive what most people have said is unforgivable. It was probably one of the hardest things I have done and could not have done it without my faith and trust in God.

I do not know why God allows people like my malignant narcopath mother to exist; nor why he allows children to be abused so terribly. What I do know and what I do understand is for me, a woman of faith; that this world is a war zone. This is a battle ground for where we spend our eternal lives. Am I going to allow the bad things of war change who God created me to be, because I fall for the lies of Satan, or shall I keep my eyes on the truth, that God himself will supply the justice and in the meantime that his grace is sufficient for me.

The injuries caused by MNM are long lasting and severe. By forgiving and moving on I in no way condone or approve of anything she did to me. I suffer enormously and my pain is great. I have every one of the symptoms described in this excellent article which describe the effects of this type of abuse: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.ca/2012/01/narcissists-cause-ptsd-for-their.html
 
I do not wish the storms of life or to allow my enemies to win or defeat me. I don't want to became bitter and angry and even remotely like my abuser. I want to live in love and to be a beacon of light for those who are still in the dark and suffering. Don't give up. Don't give in to the lies. Do not give up on the good that is in you. Don't let the enemy take it away. Never give up on yourself or on hope. Love everyone the way you wanted to be loved, and still want to be loved.

"We… rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, HOPE. And HOPE does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 2:2b-5)