Escaping the Fear

What mask shall I wear for you?

There are many things that come to mind to write about. Some things I feel are embarrassing or shameful, yet they are part of me. They are part of my voice that had been silenced and they are part of my rage that could not be expressed. Any emotion, except the one my MNM wanted; was disallowed. The words "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry!" or "Smile, smile, smile." resound frequently in the confines of my mind. MNM do not allow emotions. They don't fit into their ordered world that revolves around them. Anytime I had an emotion it was quickly squashed. It didn't matter whether is was a good one or a sad one. All were stepped upon and trampled until I could no longer recognize what it was. If I cried I was told to "Buck up", "Toughen up", "Shut up or I'll really give you something to cry for.", "Crocodile tears!", "What a baby, would you like my thumb too?". Additionally, I would be accused of trying to solicit sympathy, attention, or attempting to "weasel" out of something.

I recall being very excited once about something I had achieved at school. I no longer remember what it was as that memory was taken from me as fast as it had arrived. It was effectively and efficiently knocked out of my memory banks as though it never happened.. I can home and I was so so proud and so excited and finally thought my MNM would be proud of me. I would be worthy. I would be deserving. She would finally love me. That unfortunately is the gift these people have. They keep you coming back for more. They make you believe that something different will happen if you just try a little more, put a little more effort into it. The truth is, nothing will ever be enough, and everything is never good enough. The words spoken to me that day seared themselves over the memory so I can't see it. I am only left with the fleeting feeling of joy and how it quickly went away.

"You really thing you're something, DON'T YOU?" she screamed. Over and over, right into my face where I could smell her hot breath burning up my face. She didn't give in until I muttered a pathetic sobbing "No." This only made her angrier. Of course I though I was something or I wouldn't have come home with the smile on my face and smugly (her words) reporting my achievement. Then the words that still burn...

"You think your shit don't stink, don't you?  Well let me tell you what you really are. You are Queen Shit of Turd Island. That's why you can't smell your own shit!"

You can never be better than they are. Never. If you want to be great at something you must let the MNM be better. She has to get the majority of the spotlight, and she will take credit for any small mention of you made in passing. If you should rise above her be prepared for her claws to reach out and burst your balloon. Nothing is sacred and nothing is too evil. She will use slander, lies, blackmail, humiliation, and anything that will work to knock you off your "high horse" or "pedestal". You cannot and will not succeed without her being first in the lime light. First in everything.

After all, she gave her life for you. Or so she thinks. Jesus has told me otherwise.