Exhausted

This week has been both exhausting and illuminating. Exhausting because I got on that hamster wheel with MNM and allowed to her to wear me down to the point of exhaustion. Even though I am so aware of the tricks she can and does use I get caught. She knows what to say, when to say it, and how to say it to cause you to become unbalanced and react. Then acts confused, or condescending that you are feeling that way. You cannot win, no matter what you do. The strange part is that is not even a matter of winning. It is a matter of being human. It's a matter of rights and boundaries and each and every one gets violated over and over. If she can't get through this way, she'll go under, on top, through the back, erode it, blow it up, whatever she needs. Cagy and cunning and so totally evil and destructive.

I should have hung up on her. I should have stopped it but I got entangled. I cried like I hadn't cried since I was a child. Great loud primal sobs that came from deep within my soul. The cries of a child that knew that no help would come. That no one would rescue her and that no one would believe her. I cried because she was saying terrible things about me, about my father, about my work, my hobbies, my integrity, and my motives.

I have been trying to show my MNM that I understand her pain and how life had hurt her. I explained that I have forgiven her. I told her that I loved her. She has been estranged for more than 20 years and was left without even a photo of her 6 children. That broke my heart. I got a photo frame, and an android tablet and copied over 2000 photos to give her. I gave her a book of her grandchildren that I personally made. I have her a photo of my husband and I to put on her bookshelf. I brought her cookbooks she wanted, my wedding dress, my wedding photos. I got an internet stick so I could show her her grandchildren on Facebook and even arrange for her to talk face to face with two granddaughters. I have gone overboard in trying to make her feel forgiven and loved and to make her feel important.

Imagine my shock when she said, "I feel that I will never be number one in your life. That I will never measure up and will always be second. That I will never be good enough for you and that you will never love me as much as your father."

Well, the truth is that she is lucky that I even talk to her and that God has healed my heart enough to  have even given her chance! Yet this is a perfect example of one of those double bind statements. If I say yes, I will face the wrath of a narcissistic injury which is a rage like you can not imagine unless you have seen one. Horrifying to the extreme and dangerous. So, not wanting to face the rage, and not wanting to lie and placate her to make her feel better; I got angry.

"How dare you? Have I not done everything you asked for? Where have I let you down? Tell me, what else is it that you want me to do for you that I haven't already done? Don't I call you every day? Haven't I forgiven you? What else do you want? When will it be enough?" I was so angry I was almost screaming.

Meanwhile MNM says quite calmly, "Oh, I don't know, I just feel that way and I can't put it into words, but you know what I'm talking about."

Hmmm...nope. I don't know what you are talking about, but I do know about the narcissist. They are bottomless pits that suck the life out everyone to try to fill themselves up.

I got so stressed out that I developed cold sores. I used to get them alot as a child and now I know why.

I did not talk to MNM the next day and the following day she called me in tears, "I don't ever want to get off track when we talk again. I don't want to get all upset because it is not good for me. I want you to be here with me and I don't want to die alone. I don't want you to go away and leave me. I love you."

Do you notice there was not one thing about me or upsetting me. No sorry. The I love you is only so she can get what she wants. I used to forgive her when I heard those words and believe them because I wanted to hear them so badly. Not any more. Not ever. She has not called me since, nor have I called her.

I am so glad that I can trust completely in the love that Jesus gives to me. I love these words sung by the David Crowder Band that tell just how much he loves us.

"How He Loves"
(originally by John Mark McMillan)

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all