The First Time

My mother is a malignant narcissistic psychopath. They very seldom get diagnosed as they do not see themselves as needing help. The people they are around end up thinking that something is wrong with them and not the malignant narcopath. In the meantime they leave a long trail of destruction behind them resulting in years of therapy, and sometimes the damage cannot be completely healed. A malignant narcopath, a term with which I will refer to her from now on. A lifetime of counseling and therapy, and deep therapy over the past 5 years. In the past five years I have met regularly with a psychiatrist, cousellors, therapists, pyschologists, sexual abuse counselors, anxiety counselors and workshops, PTSD therapists and will be starting Eye Movement Therapy to unwire the wrong wiring caused by my MNM. A narcissist is mainly consumed with themselves and it becomes malignant when it goes beyond that self-absorption and they start to see others in the world around them as worthless, and having no value. They are a means to gain a purpose. To be used and discarded. This makes them harmful, evil, and extremely dangerous. When you add sociopathy or psychopathy to this combination you have some who is extremely self-absorbed, don't see people as having value or feeling, and now with the psychopathy they themselves do not feel emotion. Physcopath/sociopathic beings are cold-hearted and any emotions and feel no guilt or remorse. They believe the are better than everyone else and deserve more than anyone else. You are not a separate being from them, but are an extension of themselves, so what they feel, you will be damned sure you will feel it. They are among the most evil and most dangerous humans on the planet. There goal is to destroy you.

Despite much advice to go No Contact with my malignant narcopath mother, I have decided otherwise. One of my counselors discussed a mature and healthy way of going about it and gave a me a long list of do's and don't's. I have broken every one. It is very difficult to maintain boundaries with a conniving, skilled, manipulative, unfeeling, mind freak. Psychiatrists themselves are told to have no more than one or two narcopaths as patients as they are so draining and manipulative it would be hard for the psychiatrist to stay balanced and keep his boundaries. They will suck him in, chew him up, and spit him out. I am very aware of what is going on with MNM and meet with one of my professionals at least once a week and more if necessary.

Just recently, my MNM who was attempting to show that she can demonstrate motherly concern asked if I had been sexually molested. What a laugh! At sixty years of age she asks me. Why, because she wants something from me. She wants me to believe she cares as she does not want to die alone. If she shows me that she cares then I won't leave her alone. Yet when I am with her all I here about is how deathly ill she is, how she can't cope, how hard it is for her, and on and on and on. Over and over and over until I just want to scream "SHUT UP!!"

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to ask, but I did anyway. Our conversation went like this:

Me: "Which time?"
MNM: "You mean there was more than once?"
Me: "Yes."
MNM: "By the same person?"
Me: "No."
MNM: "Who then?"
Me: "Many. The first time I was six. Mother, why did you tell me that there was a man molesting children at the post office. You said if he touched me I was to let you know and if I didn't I would be sorry I hadn't. By the time you told me that he had already been molesting me so by your rules I was already in trouble. You knew there was a child molester at the post office and yet you sent me every day to get the mail."
MNM: "I don't remember."
Me: "Don't remember what?  Why you sent me? That you told me that? What don't you remember?"
MNM: "I just don't remember. So, did he touch you?"
Me: "YES!"
MNM: "How?"
Me: Growing more frustrated "With his hands!"
MNM: "Where?"
Me: Really agitated, "Where do you think?"
MNM: "Did he penetrate you?"
Me: Furious and disgusted by her questions "What on earth does this have to with anything? You sent me to the post office where YOU knew that there was a predator and made it impossible to tell you. You had no right to do that, you should have protected me and not sent me into harm's way."
MNM: "What was wrong with the people in the post office, why weren't they watching?"

See, she made it someone elses problem. It was the fault of the people at the post office. She also never once said she was sorry she did that, or that she was sorry it happened to me. She didn't reach out to comfort or console me. Her line of questions only served to make me remember it in a very disturbing way. I felt dirty all over again.

Me: (I have no idea why I am still talking to her). "The man told me there was a little bird and asked if I would like to see it. It was down the side of the building where the trees and bushes were. That's how he got me and why no one saw. Mother, did you know someone knew what happened. One of the kids from school must have heard or seen it happen because all the boys in school would taunt me. They would as "Can I see your little bird?", "Can I play with your birdie?". Do you know how awful I felt? How ashamed and embarassed?  I was humiliated and you sent me there when you knew!"

MNM: "Well, what can I say? Things happen."

End of conversation. No accountability. No sorrow. No sadness. No empathy, compassion, comfort, love, sorrow, grief, emotion. Nothing. I was left as empty as I had been 54 years earlier. Abandoned. Alone. Wanting her to save me, to comfort me.

I have mourned all my life. First, because I believed the lies my MNM mother told me, and lastly because I know what she is. That she can never tell the truth and that she can never love. I have found comfort for my troubled soul in God. He sustains me and holds me close to heart when I cry.

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (NIV)