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Always be aware that if they do not get their own way you will be on your way to the MNP disorded persons ways of controlling you and putting the focus back on them. Your job is always to gratify them and they will become vindictive, they will bully you, shame you, rage at you, put you down, treat you contemptuously, and attempt to make you doubt you own sanity.
Blame shifting: They blame you for their bad behavior.
Financial abuse: They control the finances and manipulate expenses to be in their control.
Smear Campaigning: They have subtle or overt conversations with friends and family which contain false concern for your mental health or behavior.
Compulsive lying: These are lies that are told in order to control the victim's reality... they might seem silly or to serve no purpose unless one looks deeper.
Rage: Sometimes, the person with NPD will simply rage at their victim. This can include emotional, verbal and physical abuse.
Threats: The person with NPD is a master of intimidation. They will make you fear for your life, children, reputation or job.
http://www.examiner.com/article/how-to-weather-a-narcissist-s-storm
My MNPM just put me through a silent treatment after I lost my cool with her. Not a good thing to do with narcissists as it feeds their need for attention. They sit back and gloat that they have won the round. You are now as angry and upset as they feel. I managed to get in control of myself and used a lot of "I" statements and set some boundaries with her. She was not a happy narcissist! In her days of the silent treatment she worked and honed her skills to manipulate me when she called again. It was perfection and such a work or narcissisitic skill. I was prepared and armed and didn't fall for it.
HER: Hello.
ME: Hi mom, how you doing?
HER: I thought you were going to call me.
ME: No mom, I said that I don't like to call when you are so sick and can't take my call, so I told you from now on you call when you are feeling well. That way I don't disturb you.
This was decided after three episodes of her refusing to take my call for 1 day, 2 days, and then 4 days because she was sick. The last episode of 4 days had her flying monkey tell me that she was so sick that he was scared. "She won't let me call the doctor, she won't let me take her to the hospital, she won't let me call the ambulance....I am so scared, I don't know what to do. I think she is going to die. She says such bad things and says such bad words to me." English is not this gentleman's first language. My MNM has a filthy mouth. If there is a curse word, she knows it and she knows how to string them together in such a horrifying string of filth that you want to shower after you hear it. Hearing that she was saying bad words let me know she wasn't dying. She had a lot of energy left. I explained to my MNM that I would no longer call her and bother since she is so sick so often. I was showing her concern and respect. That was the new rule and new boundary. I was not going to be rejected or punished by her and I didn't need to worry about whether or not she really was dying, and I didn't need the Flying Monkey adding his own worry and stress to the situation. I didn't need or want 2 people trying to manipulate me.
HER: That's not fair. I shouldn't have to do all the calling! (Trying to make me feel guilty.)
ME: Mom, I called you every day for over 2 months. I explained what would happen if you refused to take my call again and you did it again. These are the rules. I don't like being made to worry and I don't like bothering you when you are sick.
HER: Well, that is silly, you don't need to worry.
ME: Mom, it is natural to worry when someone is sick.
HER: Not if I told you not to.
ME: Mom, turn it around. If you called her and my husband told you I was sick and wouldn't go to the hospital, etc (read the above). Would you worry?
HER: Of course I would, and I would be in my car and at your place as fast as I could get there to make sure you were okay. (Bingo! If I loved her, I would have rushed to her side.)
ME: Well mom, that is you. I think you are an adult, and as such can make your own mind up whether or not you need to go to the hospital. If you thing staying at home is best, then I trust your judgement.
HER: Well, I guess I just care too much. (Indicating that I didn't do what she wanted -- rush to her bedside -- so therefore was lacking).
ME: I care too, but I respect your wishes to be left alone.
HER: Well, if you say so. (Letting me know she is not happy, and that she doesn't believe me.)
ME: Mom, if I came over when you said you were sick and wanted to be alone, then I would not be respecting you or your wishes.
HER: (Time to change the subject as she knows she is not winning.) How are you sleeping?
My MNM knows I have insomnia and night terrors. She is fully aware of what caused them. She knows I have terrors because of the fear of being murdered by her. I relive them over and over. She pooh-poohs them with, "Oh no, I loved you and would never have hurt you." I don't know how she can make that statement without going up in a pillar of smoke as she hurt us everyday, and in every way you can imagine. It was a life filled with horrifying brutality and pain. So, she gets me all riled up a few nights earlier and she KNOWS exactly how I slept. She wants me to know how she can control me.
ME: I don't want to talk about my sleep. I sleep the way I sleep.
HER: Well, I want to know because I care about you. (No, you just want to get your narcissistic supply)
ME: Well, if I am having problems with my sleep then I will talk it over with my counsellor.
HER: You've been doing that for years and they haven't helped you yet. You need to talk to your MOTHER so she can help you. (Yeah, right. I can't be helped, it's not working, you're incurable, talk to me who caused it.)
ME: Well, sometimes these things take a while to be fixed. I just have to be patient.
HER: Well, why doesn't God help you then. You said he has answered so many of your prayers, then why won't he take this away? (Let's attack her beliefs.)
ME: How do you know he hasn't? Sometimes the answer is Yes, sometimes the answer is No, like he said to Paul when he asked for the thorn to be removed. Jesus said "My grace is sufficent for you"; and then sometimes the answer is not yet. I don't pretend to know the mind of God, but I know he hears my prayers and answers them.
HER: Not very well, obviously. (more baiting, and pointing out how ineffective my God is. Mother can do better.)
ME: Perhaps he is teaching me patience.
HER: (Time to change the subject). So are you going to come home and stay with me when your sister comes, since your husband will be gone? It would be so nice to have you come home.
AAARGH!! I so detest the word home when she uses. So completely delusional! I never had a home, not ever. It was a place of abuse. It was a place of horror. It was a place that drove 50% of her children to attempt suicide. One more may have but he is dead so I can't ask and I was kept away from the family when I left. The other is a drug addict, and the other is tormented with memories and has become very reclusive and withdrawn from the world. I had no home.
ME: I don't plan on it. I will come and visit you with sis.
HER: But wouldn't it be nice to be with your mother? Won't it be nice to come home so we can hug and kiss one another? I can make you something nice to eat. What would you like to eat?
ME: Nothing mom, I coming with sis and going home.
HER: But you will be alone all week, can't you spend a few days with me?
ME: Mom, my husband goes away and I get to do all the things I want to do. Plus, I get to have some really important me time. I love to be by myself so I can write and create things.
HER: But a whole week...that's a along time...(Now i was going to have to get really firm, but hubby came to the rescue and reminded me of our sick cats.)
ME: I want my ME time, it's really important to me, besides if hubby is gone, no one is here to give the kitties their medicine.
She caved! Well, she let me go as I said we were expecting a call, otherwise the attack would have gone on and on until I was exhausted again. Be on your guard at all times and never let your defenses down. Make your boundaries really clear and never back down. Never promise anything you can't give and never go back on your promise. Don't ever back down. Stay strong, you'll need to be.
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. Psalm 28:7
I am making it, a moment at a time, a minute at a time, a day at a time. I am getting stronger and healthier.
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